One thing that has been bothering me a lot lately, is my obsession with becoming the next “IT” girl. Now others around me don’t realize I have this issue but it’s there. Now when I say “IT” girl I’m referring to the girls online. You know the ones, Instagram famous, perfect figure and beautiful face with lot’s of followers and lots of comments affirming she is, in fact, beautiful.
I have never been that girl. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not TOO bad, but I’ve never stood out much. It used to be just wanting to be friends with the popular kids in school but todays technology has changed that.
We are all constantly exposed to millions of other people and while I get that people display the best of their lives I sometimes feel that I don’t even have a “best” to share. I wake up everyday and scroll through beautiful pictures of beautiful people living seemingly exciting lives and I feel “bleh.”
Comparison is the thief of joy wise ones say and it’s true.
While I totally understand that what I’m seeing online isn’t necessarily “real” I still feel like I’m missing out on being a part of something.
I grew up feeling neglected and ugly. I never received positive affirmations from family members, quite the opposite in fact. School didn’t help either… I was made fun of based on appearance quite a bit. I had friends but I was lonely. Rarely did people want to get to know me, the real me. I never sparked any conversations, not good ones anyway.
By the time I started to blossom and receive positive feedback on my appearance I didn’t believe it. Nothing anyone said at this point could get me to believe I was beautiful, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t continue to struggle with this.
Social media has become my new high school and while I’m 23 years old, married with a toddler, I still find myself wanting to fit in. I want so badly to be the girl others look up to, others find important because I’ve never felt important. I’ve never felt relevant. I’ve never felt like anyone cares how I feel, what I like to eat, or what I enjoy doing. I’ve never been the person people wanted to know about. I’ve kind of always been the invisible one.
I used to be very LOUD so I’d make myself stand out and force others to pay attention to me, but even now, even in the midst of finding who I am I feel irrelevant.
When I look online and I see those “online celebs” I envy them because others seem to care so much about who they are. It seems a bit outlandish to let others control how you feel about yourself but for me, it’s difficult not to.
Sometimes I find that I have to take short breaks from social media to allow myself to truly enjoy the life I’m living and stop comparing my life and myself to others. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop secretly seeking validation from others but I definitely believe social media influences my insecurities.
Social media or no social media, I understand that how I feel about myself and my worth come from within. It’s just taking some open and honest self-dialogue to figure that out.
I’ll get there.